Hitchhiker's Guide to Surviving Heartbreak

A few months ago my friend S. broke up with her significant other L. She has memorialized this event in the above sketch (apparently I am the bunny facing center stage with the big smile and the big rock - I take great joy in this). In an effort to cheer her up (and to procrastinate on various work projects) I wrote her the following breakup manual. I include it here for your edification and enjoyment.



“Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love.” - As You Like It, (IV, i)

“Yum, yum.” - The Worms



If you are reading this now it is to be supposed that you’ve parted brass rags with the dearly b. and find yourself alone and miserable. During this difficult time what is needed before all else is time. This is all to the good as you will find that, with your schedule so suddenly and abruptly cleared, all you have is time. This pamphlet, while not guaranteed to make you less alone or miserable it does provide a few careful hints on how to while away those now empty hours.

The First Steps:
It may be assumed that you have already progressed through the first stages of a break-up: (1) reflection; (2) recrimination; and (3) repeated trips to grocery for Ben & Jerry’s. We will, therefore, only reiterate that it is natural and necessary to allow yourself the time to actively mourn over the loss of your relationship and obsess over the various whys and wherefores.

We will skip then to the next step: don’t rethink your decision. It is a truth universally acknowledged (and corroborated by Wiki-Answers ) that a man, once single, is a hell of a lot more desirable than he was when he was hooked. It is easy to romanticize your past relationship and partner and to forget the very real reasons why you were unhappy in the first place. Wiki, the source of all wisdom has this advice:

If the breakup was your decision, bear in mind that thinking about all the good times you had may cause you to forget the reason for why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second guess if the decision to end things was not yours. It's very common to overly romanticize the good parts of a relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, maybe you could live with them….Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and move on.


In order to accomplish this it is necessary to adhere to step two: keep your distance. Thirdly, as time is not a straight-line and the human psyche a disorganized mess be prepared to cycle back around to the tears, blood and sweat phase. Accept this and acknowledge: Ben and Jerry’s is a girl’s best friend (it stays with you forever).


Another Saturday Night…

1. Take up a hobby – whether it is knitting or evil masterminding you will enjoy a sense of accomplishment and independence in completing a project.

2. Spend time with friends. This is important on two counts. First, coming out of a relationship can be bewildering – it can be difficult to reclaim your identity. Reconnecting with friends can help to remind you of who you were before the relationship. You did brilliantly before the dearly b. came into your life and you’ll do pretty bloody well now that he is gone. Secondly, should you choose evil-masterminding as your hobby your sympathetic friends can make excellent minions.

3. Take up smoking (or: Recognize your weakness and be proactive in correcting it). When enough time has passed, it is important to acknowledge what you miss from the relationship. Sex? Get a vibrator. Companionship? A dog. Adventure and excitement? Maybe drop the knitting and take up the masterminding as a hobby. At the same time, recognize that we are all creatures of habit – addictive habits. Some of us abuse relationships and physical intimacy the way others abuse drugs. Do some soul-searching and, if necessary, consider taking up drugs and or other addictive substances to fill the void.

4. Clean House – so you are not going to be the happy homemaker, that is no reason to not be happy in your home. If you can’t exert control over your life you can at least manage your CD collection. Remember, a breakup is a chance for a new start. Who will you be? And will you have an accent?

So you don’t have a sex life…
My heart bleeds for you – really, it does. However, in the words of one wise woman, “There was always going to be a completely shit time.” (Emma Thompson) So that time is now. The following is a list designed for our female reader in getting through this admittedly crap time:

WARNING: Romance novels should only be taken under the supervision of concerned friends. Do not start dosing too soon after the break up as reading may lead to extraordinary sexual frustration and depression. Please consult a health care professional, sex toy purveyor or other ‘professional’ if intense, unbearable frustration persists.

1. The Spymaster’s Lady, Joanna Bourne: The heroine of this
novel is the paradigm of “kickass.” Usually the mystery in
romance novels is weak and dull – not so here.

2. Educating Caroline, Patricia Cabot: The author of “The
Princess Diaries” in which newly royal Mia is under the
instruction of her grandmother in how to be a lady, examines a
different sort of tutelage in this charming novel. Cover not to
embarrassing – can be read on bus without being cited for
possession of lewd materials.

3. Pleasure for Pleasure, Eloisa James: This is one of my
guilty pleasure favorites. I love the heroine, Josie, because she
of how she tries to learn all she needs to know about love and
romance from romance novels…seems so "Hermione G." -esque!

4. While you are at it check out anything by: Christina Dodd, Julia
Quinn, and Susan Krinard.


Repeat as needed.

I have many good qualities: intelligent, compassionate, hell of a snappy dresser,modest...but a dependable blogger I am not; and for you two out in cyber-space who do follow my blog, I apologize. I am back and armed with new years resolutions - one of which is to write more regularly. I am sure you are all most pleased.
So...what will the new year bring? Well, barring disqualification for swimmers ear or gout (or some other hidden and perfidious affliction) by the medical examiners my new year will include fatigues, early morning PT, and a whole lot of running. I was selected by the Fall '08 Army JAG accessions board! I am thrilled. I am less thrilled to learn that the earliest training available is in July, however, although this does give me the opportunity to work on my upper arm strength (currently comparable to that of a kitten) and, (if document review work picks up in order to finance) to take a long trip somewhere exotic and exciting (Argentina? Hungary?) What's the expression? Always look on the bright side of life? Yes, there is much to be grateful for.

A quarter to three / No one in the place except you and me...

I don't really know why I selected the above ("One for my Baby") as my post title...its mopey pity party start somehow seemed apt (as I sit here in the fuzzy library chairs searching through Martindale Hubbel for a job).

First things first: it has been a while since I've written, so let me take a minute to bring you up to speed. This may have the feel of Hamlet in 3 minutes, so hold on:
I passed the Bar! I am fully licensed to practice law in Our Great State! Hurrah and Huzzah! This victory lends some credit in my mind to a rumor circulating among other recently barred members: the Board doesn't actually read our essays, or at least not all of them. I don't know how else to explain why some pass and others (better prepared, very intelligent others) don't.

But I got my bar results in early September. What have I been doing since then you ask? Good question: not a whole hell of a lot. This is where the bitterness may seep through a bit, so mind yourself.

Having taken clinic in my last year at law school I learned that I quite enjoyed practicing as a proper lawyer. I want to practice as an attorney a bit before moving on to anything else. So I shelved my health care advocate/lobbyist ambitions under 'D' for desperate (Desperate as in the state of our health care system and the state I would need to be in to willingly enter that muddle in the near future) and turned my attention to military law.

So I applied to the JAG corps - first the Air Force - (and a funny thing happened on the way to the air base...) and now the Army. No success with the former and I am anxiously anticipating word from the latter.

In the interim I've been working as a contract attorney conducting document review, I've learned to knit on circular needles, have taken to baking with the zeal of a 1950's housewife, and quickly worked my way through the BBC library of British comedies.

So, there you go. The last five months in five paragraphs. There has been a few side items: a few trips, holidays with friends and some family celebrations (my little sister got her first college acceptance; my brother got into med school), but that just about wraps it up. And what I have to say is - "jujitsu, I have no idea what to do and no clue how to start doing it." And welcome to my angst...

Yes, it all sounds quite pathetic - and I feel quite pathetic, unproductive, pitiful and all other sorts of words beginning with a sad 'p'. So, that is my pity party for today. Honestly, I am not usually so morose and self-indulgent (well, I am always the latter, but in different, happy, cheerful ways), but it is Tuesday, I still haven't heard from the JAG corps and there is this one sharp shard of hope that keeps cutting me. I, perhaps erroneously, believe that it would be better to just know so I can get on with life after Active Duty Accession Board rejection. I'll just have to remind myself - I wouldn't have to do 6:00 am PT.

That said, make it one more for the road.

A Summer at the Bar Shouldn't Be This Dry

I am only two weeks in to Bar Prep and am looking for the exit. I have no stamina. I don't know if I am just out of practice with the whole idea of studying every day (haven't done that since first year) or if my innate laziness is just more pronounced under these concentrated conditions. Regardless of the cause, this can very easily translate into a problem (of the large and hulking variety).

This is the sort of schedule advocated by the BarBri program:

8:00 - 9:00 am: Prepatory Reading
9:00 am - 12:30pm: BarBri Lectures
12:30 - 1:30: travel time / lunch
1:30 - 3:30: MBE Practice Questions
3:30 - 4:00: Break, fold laundry
4:00 - 6:00: Study Substantive law
6:00 - 7:00: Dinner
7:00 - 8:00pm: Study Substantive Law

Rinse and Repeat 6 days out of 7. (Seriously, we are supposed to schedule in allotted time to fold laundry and all those other household things)

That is not going to happen. First of all such a rigid schedule would, I believe, be counterproductive for me; my guilt complex is too refined. I am not going to waste energy angsting over what I am not doing when that (at present limited) energy can be invested in what I am. (That in a nutshell is my take-away lesson from first year of law school). Secondly, I think that I am constitutionally incapable of studying 8-10 hours a day over 6 weeks. That is just so...abysmally bleak. And, it is childish and undisciplined, but I don't perform particularly well when so amazingly un-inspired. It would be different, I expect if I knew why I was doing this - what I was doing afterwards, but that is another big unknown.

Let me illustrate my present performance under this little black rain-cloud:

Anna's Adjusted Study Schedule
7:15 am: Alarm goes off
7:23am: Alarm goes off again

Somewhen between 7:23 and 7:30 I had a dream which revealed the secret of life the universe and everthing and everthing is peacefull and wonderful and...

7:31 am: Alarm again, secret to enlightment lost in cacophony
7:40(ish): Out of bed and prepare for the day
NPR's Morning edition reminds me (but only just vaguely) that there is a world outside of Bar Prep and procrastination. It also reminds me that it's not always gumdrops and rainbows. Wish I had that secret to life the universe and everything.

[There is a black hole somewhere between 8:00 - 8:30 where time is distorted and despite being ready to leave at a reasonable hour, I am running late again...]

9:10am: Slide in ten minutes late to lecture class; today's topic: Suretyship and Liens
9:15 am: "A suretyship is created where a third party agrees to 'back up the debt' of another under circumstances which the initial debtor is still liable."
9:17 am: Lecturer looks like an old Michael Douglas (which makes him really old) but sounds like John Goodman.
9:20 - 9:40: I give suretyship interests some very serious attention and consideration.
9:45 am: I am proud of my attention to the topic, I reward myself with brief reflection on sex.
9:50 am: "A promise to serve as a surety must be supported by consideration except where surety signs a promissory note."
9:57 am: sex, sex, sex....


I won't continue, but you see where I am going with this? Distracted, undisciplined, and uninspired (or inspired by the wrong things at least; let me say when you find yourself attracted to the lecturer because he has the slightest resemblance to Stephen Colbert and a southern minister you are going too far).

In conclusion, balance is important in life. For my own health and productivity the the demanding schedule and reclusive expectations are going to have to wait until July at the earliest.

--Anna

Some thoughts on Sex and the City

This Friday I put on my party shoes, grabbed my faux-Prada purse and went to the movies for the opening of Sex and the City! (insert bouncy theme music here). Sex and the City, drinks with ‘the girls,’ and an unfettered passion for footwear have proved an important, unifying aspect of the typical 21st American girl’s life…as proved by the long line of other similarly heeled theatre-goers. Unfortunately, this 21st century girl has long since passed the stage where the adventures of the self-absorbed and uncompromising elite proved entertaining or revolutionary. (That all sounds well and good, but it really comes down to the fact that I really just don’t like Carrie) So, while all dressed up and ready to toast the movie with a cosmopolitan with my friends, I wasn’t expecting much from the movie itself. Sometimes I love it when I am wrong!


Thus far the movie has gotten a decidedly bad rap in the Life & Style section of the major newspapers and magazine. The New York Times called it “vulgar, shrill, deeply shallow…[and] overlong.” Under the byline “Girl’s Gone Mild” Newsweek described the many Manolo heels featured as the “sharpest thing” about the recent release. The New York Time’s review at least, is undeserved. The conclusion in all the Life and Style sections seems to be that the ‘Style is still ‘fabulous’ (with perhaps the exception of an odd avian headdress – a bit too ‘Bride of Frankenstein in Technicolor’) but the ‘Life’ supremely inconsequential and out of touch. As Manohla Dargis for the NYT observed: “It’s…awash with materialism and narcissism.” My question: where have you been the last 10 years? The show was outrageous, observant and revolutionary – but never particularly profound. Even the big dramas Carrie weathered throughout the six seasons always carried an element of triviality. Sex and the City’s contribution is that it asked the questions. It didn’t provide the answers but it was always honest. I respect this most recent production (and Michael Patrick King’s writing) because it retained this honesty.

Sex and the City defined a generation. Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha are this girl’s generation’s cultural gurus. While I waited in line, ticket in hand with dozens of other young women in heels and labels, my mind ran along the lines of a religious pilgrimage (the Wive’s Tale in the age of bikini waxing and texting). As if we were all here for answers on how to be young, fearless, and fabulous (seriously, if there is a handbook circulating on this topic, I would love to peruse it). In returning to the big screen, Sex and the City, comes with Big expectations. Michael Patrick King and the producers were clearly conscious of and sensitive to this expectation and responsibility, gently refuting it in the closing sequence: Carrie addresses an audience at her bookstore on her most recent book, reflecting on why women who have flouted “The Rules” in every other aspect of our personal and professional lives continue to cleave to them so tenaciously when it comes to love, sex and marriage, concluding that happiness comes down to the ‘you and me.’ It may not be the grand wedding closing of the usual Cinderella story but this is one of the most honest and hopeful happily ever afters I’ve ever encountered.


For a thoughtful review on SATC visit the LA Times here.

Some Thoughts on Bar Prep

It is bizarre that a little over a week after graduation I find myself not only back at the law school but back at the same lecture hall and the same subjects from my first year. Two weeks ago (especially after our conference and client meeting up in DC) I was glowing with accomplishment. Look how far I've come! Oh, the places I'll go! Turns out the first place I'll go is right back to the beginning... (insert wry smile here).

I don't have much to say on the topic of Bar Prep at this point as I have accomplished very little thus far. Classes started last Thursday. I can say that learning civil procedure the second time around is no less painful than it was nearly three years ago. Squeezing a semester's worth of lessons into two 3 hour segments is like trying to get a canteloup through something the size of a lemon; it just won't fit (can I get a summary judgment on that?). By the end of each tutorial my brain is soup and I am good for nothing which rather interferes with my self-study plans. It is also harder in that I am learning solely for information this time around and with no interest in edification. I consequently find it rather hard to motivate myself (especially when combined with aforementioned soup-brained-ness).

Oh well. I'll stop kivetching for today and finish up with Secured Transaction and hope that tomorrow is a better (more productive!) day!

BarBri

Hello, let me introduce myself, I am Anna Q., esquire. I am now a Juris Doctor.
So...after the toasts, the butter cream graduation cake...The question is what comes after – where do I go from here? I am not talking about the great hereafter family and friends keep referring to (ie: unemployment) but the more mundane and (at the moment) far more menacing – the Bar.

So, where do I go from here? The answer? Back where I started…namely First year review of Civil Procedure (and after that Torts, Crim Pro and an assortment of other classes I couldn’t bare to take while in law school). I have often felt life and law school are cyclical – at the same time I could do without returning to 12(b)6 Motion to Dismiss and Eerie.

Oh well,

Tomorrow I start formal Bar preparation with BarBri. I am less than enthused. Once more into the breech dear friends, once more!