Sanity Check

For the most part I'm really enjoying grown-up lawyerly employment. This week I had my first hearing (I think it went well. The clerk gave me a thumbs up at its close). Thanks to NPR the commute isn't too bad. And there's that warm fuzzy feeling that the security of state employment gives you.

So, yes, I like the daily grind. I feel justified in gulping down the espresso in the morning (equal parts coffee to sugar)and I rather like the power suits and skirts.

Aside from the power suits and heels though, part of being an adult is accepting responsibility for one's actions. I want to take the opportunity to do that here...
I am a celebrity gossip addict.
I'll give you a moment to digest that.
Having joined the world of cubicles and accordian case folders I have slowly but surely gotten addicted to more than caffeine (see above esspresso recipe). My morning in the office starts with a read through of the various gossip blogs (The Hollywood Gossip, E! online, TMZ...)Aside from the tic of just having to check to see the lated I have also noticed that it has started to affect me. Namely, I have started to really feel depressed about the state of the world and the average sanity quotient/stability of its inhabitents.

So now I spend my day reviewing (primarily) cases concerning the provision of mental health services for Medicaid recipients in Our Great State - interupted with the odd break to catch up on the latest news on Tila Tequila's tweets, Tiger Woods rehabilitation (and expectations of recidivism), and recent leaks of racy photos of various Bachelor contestants. At the end of the day (or perhaps more accurate estimation would be 11:00 am?) I have serious reservations re: the contination of the human race and reason.

I need help.

There, first step, recognizing that I have a problem and seeking assistance in its redress.

Step two: having faith that the world isn't as f*#king crazy as reported, latest in.

America, Inc. (or, Money Talks)

NPR featured an extraordinary investigative report this evening that I had to share with you: "Bail Burden Keeps U.S. Jails Stuffed with Inmates." - an example of public policy where no one wins other than the private bail bondsmen market and the public officials recieving their financial and political support...

Another winner today: corporate America. In 5-4 decision the Supreme Court overturned existing limitations on corporate spending during elections: an example of the legal fiction of a corporation as a "person" gone too far.

Lessons I'm taking from today? I'll refer back to the old masters: Sunlight is the best disenfectant and, obscenity (whether it is public corruption or pornography) - you know it when you see it.

"Publicity is justly commended as a remedy for social and industrial diseases. Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman." - Justice L. Brandeis, Other People's Money, 1933


Let's shine a bit more light - from our prisons to our power players.

In further news on Resolutions...

I am mentally filing my gym membership fees as charitable donations to my local YMCA. It has been a long time since I have been on the eliptical.

Suffering Sugar Shock

Ugh, the sychranine sweetness and gooey sentimentalism of my last post makes me feel a little nauseus in re-reading - or that could be the cherry pie I had for breakfast. Whatever, New Years Resolution the first: cut down on the glucose, in both the daily bread and prose writing.
More resolutions (unlikely to ever be resolved!) to follow.

Out with the Old, In with the New

December 31st is, necessarily, a time for reflection. Back in May, following denial of medical waiver for the JAG Corps, many people comforted me with saying that it was "all of the best." Or, more specifically, that I would one day look back and be grateful for this disappointment. I didn't expect that gratitude to be realized quite so soon, though. This is not to say that I am where I want to be, doing what I want to do. Not at all - that is all very much still a 'work in progress,' but I do feel excited, at least for today, by the possibilities.

2009, it's been a good year. One of the things that has made it so has been knowing M. That never would have happened without the JAG corps - so, however that goes I am grateful for that!

I suppose the purpose of this entry is just as an expression of gratitude. 2009 has been difficult, anxiety-ridden and insecure in many ways. But when I look back on it what I remember are the acts of courage and faith by the ones I love and a large handful of perfect moments with one I grew to love. I can't complain!

So, thanks 2009 and welcome 2010!

- Anna

Return

Last month I received two wonderful (and wonderfully unexpected) compliments from two friends I hadn’t seen in a long time: both followed my blog. By which I mean that they follow it whenever there is anything to follow.
It was exhilarating to hear that someone read and enjoyed my words – it is also a little intimidating. I’ve been intimidated (think Sophia sizing herself up to Jayne as in the above picture) and thus foregone posting on several important topics: (1) profound reflections on the first world war and human nature and (2) assessment of the best breasts in Hollywood history (I would call the award “The C-Cups”!).

But I am back! Despite the provocative post on the C-Cups you haven't missed much. I've been conducting document review for a local law firm (which I really like, the firm, not the doc review) and volunteering at the state's Attorney General's office. Things continue to go well with M. ("the Man"). Shortly after my last post he came to visit. Three months and several phone bills later I am set to return the favor: last week I got a ticket to Florence - birthplace of soccer and home to acclaimed sculptures of nude biblical figures.

I am, of course, excited. My work can be done remotely so I can stay longer (20 days, grudgingly returning for Thanksgiving and family harmony). I am also a little nervous, but mostly impatient. I leave in exactly a week and this week is interminnable; patience is not my virtue. In fact, I can't think about it too much (see theory of the watched pot, black holes and the space/time continuum) - so for last few days have tried to distract myself with investigating a few C cups of my own. Which leads me to my next question: for a society that uses sex to sell everything from toaster ovens to baby shampoo, why is there such a gap in the sex/lingerie market and why doesn't Nordstrom carry garter belts?

Pazzo, Cazzo and just screwed

I am not romantic - I don't trust such impulses. I seek rationality and the pretense of permanence and control. Therefore, I don't know how to introduce this topic, I'll just say I am screwed.

The backstory: Back in February I took an alumni lecture series on beginner's Italian. The idea being self-improvement and maybe the chance to improve my chances of an assignment to Italy/Europe when entering the JAG corps in July (I was denied the waiver by the way, but more on that later...). The class was composed of me, 7 other alumni over the age where power of attorney is a practical concern, and the instructor, M., an attractive doctoral student at the university. Call it circumstance (I had to look good compared to the over 60s, no?) call it fate (I did have a premonition that this was going to be trouble when I first entered the class) about a month after classes ended the instructor and I started dating. Stated thus it sounds so orchestrated and cold (student dating teacher) - but (as everyone says) it wasn't like that. He was sweet, attentive and assuring and I was (as I usually am) alternatively awkward and forward. He left in May. We talked of my visiting him in Italy (he is taking a year off to write his thesis in Italy before returning to complete doctorate the following year). Things got crazy with JAG and the denial of the waiver process. When the debris cleared from that disappointment I said "what the hell" and bought a ticket to Italy.

I returned last night (this morning?). And am now sprawled in pjs on the couch listening to love songs and eating home-made frosting - something I haven't really done since I was 14 and in love every other weekend (the sentimental love songs bit, not the frosting, that is a pretty regular occurence, actually!).** I am tired and dazed and I count this as a good thing - my feelings are thus a little muted and removed.

To explain: Our issue here is that I am not "done" yet. That I need to set myself up first before I lean on anyone (else!- I know I have a lot of buttresses in all of you!). I am painfully aware that my hesitancy may be an awful mistake. And I know that the uncertainty created by this period of transition creates pain for him as well. All this and missing him leads me to the following...


I came across one song (this all initially started as an innocent, proactive effort to update my I-Pod so I could go running and work off the afore-mentioned binging) that I have played over and over and over again. It is by Charles Aznavour: "She." Excepting the fact that this song features a man singing about a woman it really resonates with me. Mostly because this is my first love; as the song intimates, that stays with you and shapes you. Secondly, because, although I am not his first love, it reassures me that he will also carry me with him. There are several lines that are particulary powerful. I am going to be a bore and post them here:

She
May be the face I can't forget
A trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
.....
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
......
She may be the love that can and hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I remember till the day I die.


Why this song and not some other (because, believe me, I have listened to a few in my masochistic moping) - because it is wistful, wanting and wise. And it articulates and assures me of my belief that love is never wasted. That even if I fuck this up (as is my wont in any first endeavor in any area) or if it is not meant to last, or even given, perhaps our (as in mankind generally) limitations in our ability to see and understand each other (that love is always based on some measure of illusion) that there it is still love - it is still powerful, purposeful and permanent.



** Note: Not saying I haven't been silly over guys in the interim dozen years - that would be a patent falsehood - just haven't mooned over sentimental serinades.

*** Note: I have included a link to Charles Aznavour's performance of "She" for your edification and entertainment.