A few months ago my friend S. broke up with her significant other L. She has memorialized this event in the above sketch (apparently I am the bunny facing center stage with the big smile and the big rock - I take great joy in this). In an effort to cheer her up (and to procrastinate on various work projects) I wrote her the following breakup manual. I include it here for your edification and enjoyment.
“Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love.” - As You Like It, (IV, i)
“Yum, yum.” - The Worms
If you are reading this now it is to be supposed that you’ve parted brass rags with the dearly b. and find yourself alone and miserable. During this difficult time what is needed before all else is time. This is all to the good as you will find that, with your schedule so suddenly and abruptly cleared, all you have is time. This pamphlet, while not guaranteed to make you less alone or miserable it does provide a few careful hints on how to while away those now empty hours.
The First Steps:
It may be assumed that you have already progressed through the first stages of a break-up: (1) reflection; (2) recrimination; and (3) repeated trips to grocery for Ben & Jerry’s. We will, therefore, only reiterate that it is natural and necessary to allow yourself the time to actively mourn over the loss of your relationship and obsess over the various whys and wherefores.
We will skip then to the next step: don’t rethink your decision. It is a truth universally acknowledged (and corroborated by Wiki-Answers ) that a man, once single, is a hell of a lot more desirable than he was when he was hooked. It is easy to romanticize your past relationship and partner and to forget the very real reasons why you were unhappy in the first place. Wiki, the source of all wisdom has this advice:
If the breakup was your decision, bear in mind that thinking about all the good times you had may cause you to forget the reason for why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second guess if the decision to end things was not yours. It's very common to overly romanticize the good parts of a relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, maybe you could live with them….Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and move on.
In order to accomplish this it is necessary to adhere to step two: keep your distance. Thirdly, as time is not a straight-line and the human psyche a disorganized mess be prepared to cycle back around to the tears, blood and sweat phase. Accept this and acknowledge: Ben and Jerry’s is a girl’s best friend (it stays with you forever).
Another Saturday Night…
1. Take up a hobby – whether it is knitting or evil masterminding you will enjoy a sense of accomplishment and independence in completing a project.
2. Spend time with friends. This is important on two counts. First, coming out of a relationship can be bewildering – it can be difficult to reclaim your identity. Reconnecting with friends can help to remind you of who you were before the relationship. You did brilliantly before the dearly b. came into your life and you’ll do pretty bloody well now that he is gone. Secondly, should you choose evil-masterminding as your hobby your sympathetic friends can make excellent minions.
3. Take up smoking (or: Recognize your weakness and be proactive in correcting it). When enough time has passed, it is important to acknowledge what you miss from the relationship. Sex? Get a vibrator. Companionship? A dog. Adventure and excitement? Maybe drop the knitting and take up the masterminding as a hobby. At the same time, recognize that we are all creatures of habit – addictive habits. Some of us abuse relationships and physical intimacy the way others abuse drugs. Do some soul-searching and, if necessary, consider taking up drugs and or other addictive substances to fill the void.
4. Clean House – so you are not going to be the happy homemaker, that is no reason to not be happy in your home. If you can’t exert control over your life you can at least manage your CD collection. Remember, a breakup is a chance for a new start. Who will you be? And will you have an accent?
So you don’t have a sex life…
My heart bleeds for you – really, it does. However, in the words of one wise woman, “There was always going to be a completely shit time.” (Emma Thompson) So that time is now. The following is a list designed for our female reader in getting through this admittedly crap time:
WARNING: Romance novels should only be taken under the supervision of concerned friends. Do not start dosing too soon after the break up as reading may lead to extraordinary sexual frustration and depression. Please consult a health care professional, sex toy purveyor or other ‘professional’ if intense, unbearable frustration persists.
1. The Spymaster’s Lady, Joanna Bourne: The heroine of this
novel is the paradigm of “kickass.” Usually the mystery in
romance novels is weak and dull – not so here.
2. Educating Caroline, Patricia Cabot: The author of “The
Princess Diaries” in which newly royal Mia is under the
instruction of her grandmother in how to be a lady, examines a
different sort of tutelage in this charming novel. Cover not to
embarrassing – can be read on bus without being cited for
possession of lewd materials.
3. Pleasure for Pleasure, Eloisa James: This is one of my
guilty pleasure favorites. I love the heroine, Josie, because she
of how she tries to learn all she needs to know about love and
romance from romance novels…seems so "Hermione G." -esque!
4. While you are at it check out anything by: Christina Dodd, Julia
Quinn, and Susan Krinard.
Repeat as needed.
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