I am not romantic - I don't trust such impulses. I seek rationality and the pretense of permanence and control. Therefore, I don't know how to introduce this topic, I'll just say I am screwed.
The backstory: Back in February I took an alumni lecture series on beginner's Italian. The idea being self-improvement and maybe the chance to improve my chances of an assignment to Italy/Europe when entering the JAG corps in July (I was denied the waiver by the way, but more on that later...). The class was composed of me, 7 other alumni over the age where power of attorney is a practical concern, and the instructor, M., an attractive doctoral student at the university. Call it circumstance (I had to look good compared to the over 60s, no?) call it fate (I did have a premonition that this was going to be trouble when I first entered the class) about a month after classes ended the instructor and I started dating. Stated thus it sounds so orchestrated and cold (student dating teacher) - but (as everyone says) it wasn't like that. He was sweet, attentive and assuring and I was (as I usually am) alternatively awkward and forward. He left in May. We talked of my visiting him in Italy (he is taking a year off to write his thesis in Italy before returning to complete doctorate the following year). Things got crazy with JAG and the denial of the waiver process. When the debris cleared from that disappointment I said "what the hell" and bought a ticket to Italy.
I returned last night (this morning?). And am now sprawled in pjs on the couch listening to love songs and eating home-made frosting - something I haven't really done since I was 14 and in love every other weekend (the sentimental love songs bit, not the frosting, that is a pretty regular occurence, actually!).** I am tired and dazed and I count this as a good thing - my feelings are thus a little muted and removed.
To explain: Our issue here is that I am not "done" yet. That I need to set myself up first before I lean on anyone (else!- I know I have a lot of buttresses in all of you!). I am painfully aware that my hesitancy may be an awful mistake. And I know that the uncertainty created by this period of transition creates pain for him as well. All this and missing him leads me to the following...
I came across one song (this all initially started as an innocent, proactive effort to update my I-Pod so I could go running and work off the afore-mentioned binging) that I have played over and over and over again. It is by Charles Aznavour: "She." Excepting the fact that this song features a man singing about a woman it really resonates with me. Mostly because this is my first love; as the song intimates, that stays with you and shapes you. Secondly, because, although I am not his first love, it reassures me that he will also carry me with him. There are several lines that are particulary powerful. I am going to be a bore and post them here:
She
May be the face I can't forget
A trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
.....
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
......
She may be the love that can and hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I remember till the day I die.
Why this song and not some other (because, believe me, I have listened to a few in my masochistic moping) - because it is wistful, wanting and wise. And it articulates and assures me of my belief that love is never wasted. That even if I fuck this up (as is my wont in any first endeavor in any area) or if it is not meant to last, or even given, perhaps our (as in mankind generally) limitations in our ability to see and understand each other (that love is always based on some measure of illusion) that there it is still love - it is still powerful, purposeful and permanent.
** Note: Not saying I haven't been silly over guys in the interim dozen years - that would be a patent falsehood - just haven't mooned over sentimental serinades.
*** Note: I have included a link to Charles Aznavour's performance of "She" for your edification and entertainment.
No comments:
Post a Comment